Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
This is classic penis vs brain.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
