I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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