My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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