If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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