I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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