i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
