I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
