it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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