Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You pole danced in your parka.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
