Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
