I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
