Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
