Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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