once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
