I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
