with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
