I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
