Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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