Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
