Your mouth is God's brothel.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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