i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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