Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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