did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
