i already hear my dad disowning me
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
