matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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