Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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