I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
