I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize