My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
