he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
