I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
