I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
