I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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