i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
His nipple licking is glorious
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