did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
