No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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