remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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