I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
The ass gains better be worth it
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