My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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