i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
