My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
When are your genitals available?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
