Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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