Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
