My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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