my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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