he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
