So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
