i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
