I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I wear drunk well.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
