I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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