I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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