I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
