Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
