$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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