i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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