I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
