They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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