so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
